I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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