i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
