he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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