if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize