the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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