i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
