I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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