My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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