Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
