I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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