i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize