can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
