I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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