god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We are two peas in an std pod
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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