my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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