last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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