if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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