i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
