hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
