He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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