two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
