puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think i got beer on your cat.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
