No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
