i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
