I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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