I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
