i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
