i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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