Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
