I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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