I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I need to sanitize my soul.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
