I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
