the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
