omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize