i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
