I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
