Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
