just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
