Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
