i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
