Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
