Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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