I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize