So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The adults are the big ones right?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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