i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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