The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am midnight drunk by noon
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
