i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
