he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
