Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize