Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
