burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
