Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
