I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
