Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize