i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
