the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
